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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2011 18:59:20 GMT
don't bring me back into this. i was mearly reflecting of the boys (AJ's son) smelly's and how i don't like the smell of lynx yet AJ continues to buy it for him.
old spice and brute i am alright with coz my dad wears them. but lynx is EVIL!
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Post by clarkie on Nov 17, 2011 23:14:14 GMT
heh.
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Post by biscuit on May 29, 2012 10:19:18 GMT
Please be gentle with me as I'm new. I'm in my 20s, femme, and always identified as a lesbian until I got to my late teens when I began to find the odd man attractive. I am now in a stable relationship with a man who knows about "me" and until now it's never been a problem until we started talking about getting married, which is something we both want. He has always been supportive if I want to spend time with other women. Since the wedding talk began he has actually told me that he he feels like I am more of a lesbian, but that he is ok with this if I am. I feel like I am bi so it's not really an issue for me. I did try going to a lesbian bar but quite a lot of ladies there assumed I was straight, particularly the femme type of women that I am attrackted to. I am not really sure what I hope to gain by writing about this here but maybe someone else has been in this kind of situation before?
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Post by sleepytigercub on May 29, 2012 11:37:47 GMT
Hi biscuit, and welcome. If you are comfortable that you're bi, then the only question for you is whether this is the right person for you to marry. I'm not sure what's going on in his head though. Why would a man want to marry someone he thought was lesbian? Have you asked him what he means by this? Does he find something lacking in your response to him that leads him to think you are "more of a lesbian"? No matter how much you like/love someone that seems to me like storing up trouble for the future and perhaps the two of you need to be in some other kind of relationship (friends, for example).
What does "supportive if I want to spend time with other women" mean? Are you talking about spending time in the company of other women, at women-only or gay events? Or are you talking about having sex with women? I wondered because you then go on to say that you've tried going to lesbian bars but they assumed you were straight. Have you ever actually had sex with a woman (not that it's all about sex, you can know you're a lesbian or bi without ever having done the deed, as it were)? I suppose what this made me wonder is if you are "settling" for a bloke because it feels more achievable? And before anyone jumps to the wrong conclusion here, I'm not one of those lesbians who assumes that any bisexual woman with a bloke is settling somehow. I mean that statement made me wonder if you were in your particular circumstances. It may be that he is worried about that too, and that when you find the courage/opportunity you may be looking elsewhere?
I don't really know what kind of answers you were looking for, but the one thing I would urge you to do is not to get married to anyone of either sex until you know who you are and what you want and you're as certain as you can be that the other person is on the same page. That's not to say either one of you won't change over the course of your marriage, but it helps if you at least start out on the same page. If you're already sure, then it seems like he's the one who is unsure and you need some conversations about monogamy/polygamy and the ground rules for your relationship.
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Post by biscuit on May 29, 2012 12:40:19 GMT
Hi sleepytigercub. I didn't expect such a quick reply, thanks for taking the time to write. I will try and answer the questions as best as I can. I have tried asking him what he means about me being a lesbian, and he tries to make light of it and says I am taking him too seriously. He says its because he knows I fancy women more than men but I do feel like it was a really odd thing to say to me. When I said he is supportive of me spending time with other women its about everything you mentioned really. Going to gay events/women only events/ and having sex with other women. I have had sex with a few women, just casual one-off things. I find it easier to ta;lk to people online rather than trying to chat/flirt in a bar so its generally been initiated online first. I don't think I am settling for the relationship I have, because I do love him and I am happy in the relationship, I think its just because of his comment about him "knowing" I'm a lesbian that has thrown me. We have talked about me seeing other women, he seems far more comfortable with it than I do. He has said he doesn't want to be involved with that side of things, that it is something for me to do alone, but I think maybe I am not too comfortable with the idea of it. I think I'm just a bit nervous of meeting people and how I'd bring it into the conversation that I have a boyfriend if that makes sense? During my teens it seemed more acceptable to be either gay or straight and like being bi was something to hide (in my family anyway) which I suppose has made me catious about other peoples reactions. Within my relationship everything feels okay but it's when I step outside of that that I begin to feel uneasy and more unsure of myself. This probably doesn't make much sense but I am trying to explain as best I can.
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obeeky
Member
So here I am once more...
Posts: 5,209
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Post by obeeky on May 29, 2012 17:53:38 GMT
I've been married to a man for 19 years but any long term relationship has changes. Once you are married you may both feel completely differently to now and then you may feel trapped or compromised whereas now it seems that things are straightforward for you.
I personally wouldn't get married in your position. I don't feel trapped but that is because I respect my boundaries and they've definitely changed over the last 5 years so I wouldn't be able to do what I did before.
You talk about your interactions with women as being sexual but what if you fall in love? That changes everything!
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Post by sweetkaty on Feb 6, 2016 22:40:58 GMT
Found this a very interesting thread. I'm currently going through a divorce after nearly four years of marriage. I got married at 18 to the first boyfriend I ever had. I knew even then that I was attracted to girls but he was very nice and I was genuinely fond of him. I didn't realise then that being 'fond' of someone wasn't enough - it wasn't love. I grew up in a small rural community where everyone behaved as if it was still 1952! And I guess I had yet to come to terms with the way I felt and really admit to myself I was a lesbian. I know that must sound stupid to many of you who've been 'out and proud' for years but it was hard for me. I'm a very 'girly' sort of girl - love fashion, make-up, shoes - but I increasingly came to realise that my marriage was a total, horrific mistake and what I really wanted, physically and emotionally, was a woman and not a man. Our realationship went from bad to worse. I didn't enjoy sex with him and it was increasingly infrequent and then non-existant. I had a relationship with a French girl I met and I loved her very much but it ended when she had to return to France. She wanted me to go with her but I wasn't ready to make that choice at the time. Things got worse and worse at home until we couldn't stand even being in the same room together. Then I just knew what I had to do - I had to tell him and come out as who I really am. It wasn't easy and the resultant divorce has been very bitter. I now regret my wasted years when I could have been happy and leading the life I should have done from the beginning. I also regret the hurt and pain I have inflicted upon the man I married. I believe he really loved me and I have caused him such pain and heartache. I feel sorry for that and it was never something I ever wanted to do.
I'm now much happier and starting to enjoy life as an openly lesbian woman. I live in a large city and a whole new world has opened up to me - one where I have been made welcome, supported and encouraged. Most importantly I am no longer having to live a lie. But I still regret the hurt I inflicted on my husband.
I don't think I've explained this very well - I'm not very good with words. I guess I'm just trying to say don't hurt each other - and that's so easily done.
Sorry! Feel stupid now and not sure if anything I said is really relevant to this topic. Time to go!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2016 23:30:02 GMT
Don't beat yourself up about it. You're 22 not 92. We all make mistakes. If it did or didn't feel right at the time isn't relivent. What is relevant is who you are and what you are doing now. Continue to discuss your divorce if you need to many of us have been in the same boat one way or another. If you need advice on anything just ask. That's what this section of the forum is here for.
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Post by sweetkaty on Feb 6, 2016 23:43:50 GMT
Thanks Elfin.
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tofu
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Post by tofu on Feb 7, 2016 10:26:55 GMT
hi sweetkaty,
i think a few of us will be able to identify with what you wrote.
sometimes lots of pressures and lack of any real options means we conform to what's expected of us...if we're lucky as we get older and more confident we get the chance to make the choices we really want to.
i'm glad you're happy happier now and living your life they way you want to
x
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obeeky
Member
So here I am once more...
Posts: 5,209
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Post by obeeky on Feb 8, 2016 22:23:37 GMT
I think that you know you've made the right decision for you, sweetkaty.
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Post by tradink on May 10, 2016 12:05:28 GMT
Hey, I've just joined.. I was out to most and identified as a lesbian when I was younger. Had 2 serious relationships with women. My parents disapproved and I felt like I couldn't carry on or they'd find out.. They only suspected but made their feelings clear. I met a man who was and is my soulmate and we got married and had 3 kids quickly. Fast forward to 2 years ago, I realised that I maybe am gay after all and just went back in to the closet for like 10 years ? We now live together as friends, both for the kids and for financial reasons. Would like to manage an amicable separation at some point in the future.. We get along great as friends...
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