Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2015 17:59:45 GMT
i think i am clinicly depressed and ever so slightly suicidal to be honest. i also think Ray is a nonce, he disturbs me.
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obeeky
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So here I am once more...
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Post by obeeky on Nov 20, 2015 18:23:15 GMT
^ can you talk to someone about it? like Samaritans for instance?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2015 19:37:05 GMT
no i can't
hi my names Sam and i am a fucked up individual and my nemsis is black. do you wonna know why. my abuser wore black from head to foot. he wore black levi 301's oranage tab jeans. a black hellraiser tshirt and a black leather jacker. i fucking hate the colour black and refuse to wear it. leather stings my nostrels and reverts me back to being a child. so keebs i don't need to see a shrink i just need to shop every bastard that ever comes into my radar coz my life is a living hell. i cheated death, i except that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2015 19:46:51 GMT
oh and by the way his name is Mark.
so can you see why i hate M&S?
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Post by sleepytigercub on Nov 20, 2015 20:34:05 GMT
Without meaning to diminish your experiences in the slightest, DE, if you did want to speak to the Samaritans or Rape Crisis or someone it won't be anything they haven't heard before, unfortunately. They won't judge you in any way, though I think you may be judging yourself a bit. Of course, that doesn't mean you will find it helpful and you know best whether it's something you could do or not. Please look after yourself as best you can.
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Post by garfield on Nov 21, 2015 9:50:31 GMT
So glad he found a job after all this time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2015 11:31:39 GMT
STC
i know it won't be something they haven't heard before but i am being open and honest for a change. see where that get me. i just so happen to be on my period so am not as mentally stable as usual. you konw what its like when you're on your period, you think the worlds out to get you and i have access to drink and drugs. not a good combination. i've done the angry stage. i've done the analsing stage. still not totally over the analsing yet because a couple of people are on my radar and have been for a long while. i am at present in two minds as to whether to tell the police about Ray's facination with 20 year olds from the Ukraine. He's been there twice this year seeking young women. I've also managed to avoid Daryl all this week. he propersition's me for sex everytime he see's me. and he tries to find me and he has dreams about me apparently. Ray relishes telling me this and finds it highly ammusing. so now the people of the BR know i work with two perverts. great. if you want to help me with anything help me with this.
I am absolutly fine by the way and i understand psychology. i haven't got a Phd in psychology but i've been interested in it for a very long time. i think the first book i read belonged to my mum when she did a psychology course when i was younger. i often read psychology today, magazine and website. i know how to look after me and skimming over things pretending they don't exist isn't the way. things creep back up on you and catch you totally unawares. and thats what i am avoiding. i know how my brain works. i know what i have done in the past. and its this knowledge i am bringing into the forefront and exploring it. the angles at which i go at it are probabably uncouth and unorthadox but i am not ignoring it either becasuse it doesn't go away, it can't be forgotten about, no pill is going to enter this body. i have more determination and will power on my own than any pill could give me. i don't want to be be numb i don't like being numb. i feel numb even with out the pills. i haven't genuinly smiled in a very long time. my moments of happyness are fleeting, short bursts and then gone. i want happy juice flowing through my veins not this bitter and resentment. but as you can tell i haven't found it yet. and its this yo-yoing between happyness and sadness is doing my head in. i just want to be happy on an even keal but my work life is tipping me over the edge. its the constantly being on edge that is preventing me from being happy. i have already told them they are seriously pissing me off. but they are seeking happyness too at my expence. the joke has gone too far and because there is no boss to go to i am having to deal with this on my own and their constant threat is forever on going. i've never been stalked before and i don't like it. i have thought about slashing Daryls tyres. i have thought about ramming his car. have you noticed the theme yet? i am trying to imobolise him. because that my only defence mechanism. takeout the car takeout the man. and damaging Ray's car in the process will piss Ray off too which is also what i want to achieve. its tit for tat. and i don't like thinking this way but i do. i haven't gone through with anything yet but they are provoking me to. push my buttons for long enough and i will eventually snap. then the police will get involved and i won't be able to lie. i will tell them i did it on purpose. and what drove me to do it. and the police will say why didn't you come and tell us sooner and the reason is because the police don't take this thing seriously and theres no proof. just my word against his. and i have just talked myself round in a complete circle. have i convinced you yet that i am actually okay? i hope i have and i think i have made my problem quite clear. its not me, its them.
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Post by sleepytigercub on Nov 21, 2015 16:23:00 GMT
Is it possible for you to walk away and work elsewhere? It's not doing you any good. I know you shouldn't have to, but some battles are not worth fighting without support. I know what you mean about the pills.
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obeeky
Member
So here I am once more...
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Post by obeeky on Nov 21, 2015 20:57:01 GMT
^ I agree with STC - you need to find somewhere else to work really. You need to work with women. Alternatively you'll need to work through the stuff you have already indicated - so that when you work with men they can't wind you up at all. It is best if you can learn to ignore all the BS some men say but I'm not saying it's easy.
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obeeky
Member
So here I am once more...
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Post by obeeky on Nov 21, 2015 21:02:19 GMT
I am pleased that I have recognised a pattern I have about getting really stressed when people visit us. I'm not saying I've cracked it as I still had a stress headache and major fatigue (both indicating I am subconsciously overreacting) but I didn't shout or burst into tears which often happens. And the house is cleaner than it's been for months. yay!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2015 21:25:26 GMT
its patriarchy. i am a victim of patriarchy. some men find me a threat, because they have no power over me, they can't mould me and manipulate me like they can do other women. looking for another job is the only solution. but during christmas and new year is out of the question. i think the best bet is to wait until the new year when all the festivities are over and we hit the January lull. i will be able to focus my effort then and earn a ton of cash in the process.
as for what to do and who to work with. i haven't even thought that far yet but the living wage would be nice. i get on with men and women in the work place as long as they show me respect them i'll respect them back. its a two way street. i go to work to work. i can have a laugh and a joke like anyone but i don't cross lines. i don't mix business with pleasure, perhaps that my serious side coming through but yeah, walking away with my dignity and pride still intact is the safest and sensabilist option. i still don't konw how a Curriculum Vitae should look for a 40 year old so i will have to seek professional help on that.
so basically short term i've just got to keep doing what i'm doing and hide the best i can. its like a paradox hiding outside in the open.
thanks for the input. muchly appriciated. i shall sleep better tonight.
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spirit
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Let them throw their curses. If inside, I am connected to what's true, my soul stays quiet and clear
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Post by spirit on Nov 21, 2015 22:44:41 GMT
Hoping that he was found in his armchair. That he'd slipped away while sleeping, and that he hadn't died after a fall.
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Post by kip on Nov 22, 2015 11:31:37 GMT
Thinking how pleased I feel about only working 4 hours today.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2015 10:09:15 GMT
Is it alright to give men fruit? Do men do fruit baskets?
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obeeky
Member
So here I am once more...
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Post by obeeky on Nov 26, 2015 10:41:16 GMT
^I don't see why not. It's the gesture that counts. Some of them even like flowers.
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